All-nighters are comically messy affairs. In the moment they can be adrenalin-producing and high anxiety inducing, but in retrospect they form some of your fondest college memories. The number of bonding sessions I had with people in libraries over our shared “omg, I’ve ruined my academic semester,” as well as the number of absurdities encountered at 2 AM…from naked donut runs to $1 bets…are often some of my best anecdotes about college right up there with Spring Weekend and Study Abroad.
So, yes, all-nighters are massively painful exercises in ensuring that you don’t receive an Incomplete or No Credit on your college transcript. But, they’re also a ton of fun…in a twisted sort of way.
Phase 1: Last Meal on Earth
The all-nighter begins with an extremely lavish meal. Whether you hold court at the dining hall with a slew of friends a la Last Supper or you go to the sandwich shop to get the pricey lobster roll, you do your meal before the all-nighter right. You even get the super creamy dessert and YOLO! whip cream on top of your very fat latte. Basically, you use gluttony to treat your body right and fuel your exploits into academic purgatory. It’s also a farewell of sorts because chances are that you won’t see your friends for at least 2 days (all-nighter + massive sleep recovery period + catchup for other classes).
Phase 2: Getting Cozy
At 7 pm, you head off to find a place to put down roots for the night. Often times what occurs is that you’ll feel uncomfortable in one place and then shift around to another library or an abandoned classroom. If you do settle on a place before 7:30, you’ll spend at least an hour checking Facebook, wandering around talking to friends or people in your class, and finding ways to procrastinate. You tell yourself you’re waiting for your coffee to kick in, but really you’re scared as shit to embark on a potentially academically deadly endeavor.
Phase 3: Burst of Productivity
From 9 – 10 pm, the library starts to clear out (unless it’s finals) or you start to realize that you’re never going to finish if you don’t start NOW. You’re mind starts to clear and you hit a bit of a rhythm for a couple of hours. Hey, this paper isn’t going to be so bad after all–hey, there’s not actually as much material to study as I thought. Life will feel pretty damn good, and you actually think you have a reasonable shot at getting an A. There’s light at the end of the tunnel.
Phase 4: Pity Party O’Clock
You take a break, go to the bathroom, and return only to find that you’ve hit a wall with the paper/studying and you’re tired as fuck. It’s around 12:30-1 AM, and while you’re maybe 2/3 to 3/4 of the way done, the mental block you’re experiencing could very well undo all that it is that you’ve been working towards. You get frustrated and so start walking it off until you run into a friend or at least a good acquaintance. Both of you are in extremely shitty shape, so you sit and start to talk about everything from how screwed you are to your life’s ambitions to your relationship woes to your theories on church and religion to the best place to eat off-campus to housing options for next year. Really, you get to learn a lot abou the other person during Pity Party O’Clock, so although you may be miserable about whatever it is you’re working on, relish the real human connection that you’re making here.
Phase 5: Sleep Drunk
It’s 2:30 AM and you recognize that you can’t keep putting off that last bit of work you have to do. You suck it up and give it your best effort, but at this point, you’re hoping you can scrape by with at least a C. Whereas it only took you 3-4 hours to complete the bulk of your work, it’s taking you anywhere from 5-6 hours to finish up the last piece. Part of the reason for the efficiency slump is that you’re tired out of your mind to the point where you are inebriated. All of your body reactions are slow and any attempts at wit or sarcasm from you fellow cohorts go straight over your head. Coffee doesn’t do shit for you…except make your stomach feel like shit. You labor on until the wee hours of the morning, when you finally finish only to stand at the reference desk and suffer a heart attack when the printer decides to stop running at 7 AM. At 9 AM you do the walk of shame to class to drop of your paper or take your exam.
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